The Scope...and the day after FUN stuff

Ok, so yesterday, we had to rearrange the entire day so that I could get in and get that scope done and whats also called a dialation. ?  Where they stretch the lower part of my new tummy (also called a pouch). 

I think I'm gonna call my 'pouch' FANCY...as she has sure made it known that nothing was good enough to start with. ha ha  This way, if I'm mad at my pouch I can say..."Suck it, Fancy" and feel better. :)  Or maybe I should call her SASSY?

Ok...so the scope went well.  No complications other than they found an ulcer! WHAT??? So now I'm on this liquid medication 4 times  a day.  Mr. Eye Candy had taken me to the hospital, dropped me off, then he took the kids to lunch and to the park.  When I was done they called him, and they brought them ALL back to my little recovery room.  I wish they had NOT done that.  I could tell the kids were upset to see me in a hospital gown w/ an IV in my arm and an oxygen tube in my nose.  NOT COOL nurses!!!  I wish I could take that back.  My poor princess was a bit traumatized.   She had to snuggle with me last night, and man did she hold on tight to me.  The little guy was OK...but he seemed like he didn't think too much of all the tubes either.  When asked later, he said he was sort of scared.  Damn Hospital!  I mean geez!!! My kids are only 7 and 6 yrs old!  (wait...why did Mr. Eye Candy ...never mind).

Today was a much better day for the most part.  The kids and I loaded up our cooler, and off to the barn we went!! DOODLEMAN day!!!  Even the little guy got up for a 'pony ride'.  Those of you that are horse people...Doodle is 16.1 hands high...which means to those of you that are not horsey people...HE'S TALL. lol  Especially to a 6 yr old!  The princess got another riding lesson, and then it was my turn to ride.  Poor old Doodle...he was lame.  He's had issues with his right shoulder off and on through the years, and if he's 'off' it's always the right front leg.  So, there went my ride. I had to get down.  Maybe he'll be better on tuesday when I can get back out there.  Sure was good to see him though, and brush him and ... yes... smell horses!  I swear if they could bottle it and sell it, I'd be first in line.  Call me horse crazy. Oh wait! I am! ha ha  Now look at this...that is love.  Doodle could stand all day next to her.  He has always loved her.

Well, there ya have it.  A good day in the sun.  Lots of fun.  I couldn't ride my horse, so I cleaned all the stalls instead. ha ha  It felt good to do some physical labor again! I actually LOVE working in the barn.

Hope all of you are having a  fantastic weekend as well!  I think tomorrow will be another fun day!  COUPON DAY! ha ha ha

OH...and funny thing happened yesterday!  Mr. Eye Candy FOUND THE HERMIT CRAB!!! Yup.  Darn thing (belongs to the princess' friend) was lost for 3 weeks!!! yes..count them THREE weeks!  I could not believe he was STILL ALIVE! ha ha ha  I'm still amazed.  He goes  home tomorrow! eek!  No more Mr. Crabby Pants in my house!  Sure makes for a good story though!

Later Gator's!

A day for a Procedure

Ok...so I've been having a rough time eating.  I've moved on to the soft foods stage diet, and it's really been painful.  I chew chew chew food super good, but as soon as it starts its way down...the pain hits.  I mean WOW. PAIN.  It comes right back up within a minute or two.  So, for the past 4 days I've really only been able to eat sugar free jello/pudding.  I called in to my surgeons office on Wed. afternoon, and the Nurse Practitioner called me back.  She feels it is a Stricture.  This is when the bottom opening of the new stomach (which is healing) gets closed up with scar tissue.  So, they have to do an Endoscope and slide a small balloon down and stretch it.  Oh goodie.

I've had an endoscope...HA HA HA, and some of you will remember my funny video.  Mr. Eye Candy video taped me AFTER my endoscope...funny stuff.

So, yesterday they called me to schedule this procedure, and TODAY I go in at 1:30 for a 2:30pm appointment.  Yippee.  This is great...I look forward to trying to eat food again.  I'm hungry...and all I can keep down is water, very very liquid protein drinks, and pudding.

The drawback here is that I could not find a babysitter on such short notice.  I had one lined up, but she called me to say she had a "girls day" planned with her mom.  Really? ok. I get it.  I have a medical emergency, but she has a girls day.  I'm ok with that.  Actually I'm not.  I won't lie.  I tried 3 of my babysitters and 2 of them have sports, and the other one has a girls day.  Wow.  SO, Mr. Eye Candy has to quit work...come home...shower...and take me AND THE KIDS to the hospital...Drop me off...take kids to a park or something...wait for my call...and come back to get me...then bring us all home...and GO BACK TO WORK.  It sucks.  This whole summer has been like that though.  The whole babysitter issue has been a nightmare to say the least!  I hate hate hate relying on teenagers!!!!!!!  OH..and their parents!

Oh, and lets add in here that while I am at the hospital, and after this procedure is done... I will be heavily drugged.  Um yeah.  So...I hope the nurses can use my phone to call the Eye Candy, and I sure as heck hope they can wheel me out to the van.  Can you imagine me trying to WALK? ha ha ha ha

I think my kids are going to wind up pulling out THEIR hair one day as I preach work ethic to them.  No one else seems to have any these days!

If I didn't have a medical emergency, I would not be upset about the babysitter thing.  Really.  If I had called just to ask her to babysit for some 'fun' thing I wanted to do...I'd totally get that she had plans. ha ha ha  I only needed her for about 4 hrs.  Life sucks.

Life Sucks and then You get back UP

Well, I won't lie.  Yesterday was just one of those days where you want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over your head and just GO BACK TO SLEEP.   If I had a dollar for every single one of those days...hmmmm...I might actually have money in the bank!

I want to be a good role model for my kids, but I have to admit, I am not that great on some days.  I fail.  I want to show them that it's ok to hurt, cry, get upset, even angry!  AND that it's OK to need some space to be alone.  I also want to show them that mommy does NOT give up.  (ok, doesn't give up easily!)

A good friend of mine sort of gave me a reality check yesterday and I'm pretty grateful for it.  He made me see that it wasn't just US that can't get a loan for other property...it's just about everyone.  Although the market is fantastic, it will not mean an easy road to financial help.  So, the new goal is to just keep trying...bank after bank after bank...until we find someone that will actually TALK to us.  I hate having my time wasted!  I hate sitting in a 'meeting' going over numbers with someone that is supposed to be able to tell me point blank whether or not I can afford the property we want...only to get NOTHING from them.

So, tomorrow is another day.  I did the best thing I could have done this morning!  I went and rode my horse.  I cannot tell you how grounded I felt afterwards!  It's like I found the old me and I was alive again!  I'd forgotten how important it is to give yourself some time.  Time to do the things you love most of all.  To me that is horses.  I lived and breathed them for years before I settled down and had a couple of little cutie patootie kids.   I've signed up for a clinic in September, and I'm super excited about it!  A two day clinic w/ a woman named Sue Hughes. She's amazing.  I've watched her teach before and I love her concepts and direction.

So, now that I've made time for my horse and myself, I feel better able to face other things that have  knocked me down.  I don't quit too easily.  So here I go for another try.

I also have to keep in mind what my dear little 7 1/2 yr old told me yesterday..."Mama, it's ok!  The only thing that matters is God and our family."  Man I love her.

What are hopes and dreams anyway

Well, once again...my hopes have come crashing down like an avalanche.  Killing any desire to keep moving forward or even dreaming of a life beyond where I am now.  I know it's all about picking yourself up and keeping the faith yada yada yada.  However, when you've busted your butt for so long and there is no blue sky in the future, it just seems stupid to keep trying.

I have to admit some very hard truths to myself.  I'm just not going to make it.  I've hitched my wagon to a falling star.  I've dreamed, and hoped, and tried to show my children that dreaming and believing are important.  Well, today...I changed my mind.  Today...I quit. 

There really is no more fight in me for this journey.  We've been trying to find some land (with a house and outbuildings) so we could raise chickens for meat and eggs.  We thought we'd finally found it! Perfect location, around 10 acres...all the buildings we wanted etc.  LOTS of room to grow...and maybe purchase other acreage next to it down the road.  Not going to happen.   After 2 hours in a 'financial' meeting, it just looks like the world is playing a small joke on us.  It's the same story every time we try to get ahead.  The numbers just aren't there.  Although this is a perfect market to buy in...good luck when your net worth is crap.  EVEN THOUGH you are under $10,000 in debt...and have NO other debt at all.   Does not matter that we've just spent the last two years busting our butts to get ahead in the Lawn Care Business...and doing it!  There are still no #'s that support it yet.  So...here goes those dreams.  On hold once again.  Who was I kidding? Myself? Probably.  Yeah...definitely.  I thought that hard work was going to be a cornerstone to our future.  Nope.

I'm done trying so hard.  I feel like my whole life I've worked for the 'other' guy.  Only to dig myself into that hole of misery.  Now, after working for ourselves, it's the same story.  Just a different year.

Yeah...today I feel like giving up. Please don't write things in response to this that "It will be OK" or "It will get better".  I just can't take it right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and forget today happened.  I want to go back to yesterday where I still had a hold on my dreams.