What are hopes and dreams anyway

Well, once again...my hopes have come crashing down like an avalanche.  Killing any desire to keep moving forward or even dreaming of a life beyond where I am now.  I know it's all about picking yourself up and keeping the faith yada yada yada.  However, when you've busted your butt for so long and there is no blue sky in the future, it just seems stupid to keep trying.

I have to admit some very hard truths to myself.  I'm just not going to make it.  I've hitched my wagon to a falling star.  I've dreamed, and hoped, and tried to show my children that dreaming and believing are important.  Well, today...I changed my mind.  Today...I quit. 

There really is no more fight in me for this journey.  We've been trying to find some land (with a house and outbuildings) so we could raise chickens for meat and eggs.  We thought we'd finally found it! Perfect location, around 10 acres...all the buildings we wanted etc.  LOTS of room to grow...and maybe purchase other acreage next to it down the road.  Not going to happen.   After 2 hours in a 'financial' meeting, it just looks like the world is playing a small joke on us.  It's the same story every time we try to get ahead.  The numbers just aren't there.  Although this is a perfect market to buy in...good luck when your net worth is crap.  EVEN THOUGH you are under $10,000 in debt...and have NO other debt at all.   Does not matter that we've just spent the last two years busting our butts to get ahead in the Lawn Care Business...and doing it!  There are still no #'s that support it yet.  So...here goes those dreams.  On hold once again.  Who was I kidding? Myself? Probably.  Yeah...definitely.  I thought that hard work was going to be a cornerstone to our future.  Nope.

I'm done trying so hard.  I feel like my whole life I've worked for the 'other' guy.  Only to dig myself into that hole of misery.  Now, after working for ourselves, it's the same story.  Just a different year.

Yeah...today I feel like giving up. Please don't write things in response to this that "It will be OK" or "It will get better".  I just can't take it right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and forget today happened.  I want to go back to yesterday where I still had a hold on my dreams. 

BYOC day: A few things about me

Ok...so Bring Your Own Crazy day is here. (or was that yesterday? lol I think it was! oopss!)

One of the blogs I follow "It's Just Me Drazil & Sheniqua" started a tag.  So, here I go.

1. How much makeup do you wear daily, how long does it take you and are you loyal to certain brands?

I do not wear make-up everyday.  If I have to go to town (yes I live out in the country), I will probably put on some eye make-up.  I like the stuff from Southern Magnolias (ebay). AWESOME! Oh, and a few things from Mary Kaye. She has the BEST lipstick hands down.
 

2. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them (or even if there is one) and you try to describe this person in 5 words/short sentences.

Your oldest paternal aunt

Soon to be 80
Artist
Animal lover
Great Hugger
My favorite

3. Tell me about your first real kiss and how old you were.

First real kiss...oh wow...it was the BEST.  He was younger than me, and we actually wound up dating for over  2 years.  I was 17.  We stood outside his door (we had been on a double date), and he held my hands and kissed me.  It was EVERYTHING they say it was going to be.  Perfect.  But then, remember, I'd never been kissed before! ha ha

4. If I gave you $1000.00 and told you that you had to give it to a charity – which charity would you choose and why?

We have a local Animal Rescue I would be proud to give the  $ to.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.


Well, I've been pretty busy in the house as we've put it up for sale...no bites.  So, we started DOWN SIZING.  We rented a storage unit, and have been putting some of our bigger items in there, along with some of the kids toys (they won't miss them).  Now just to convince Mr. Eye Candy to put his Deer Head trophy thingie in there.  As for Blogland, not much!  I like to write, but for some reason I've been in a funk.  Totally stressed about about the new school year that is fast approaching...so much stress that I'm actually having NIGHTMARES! (and no I'm not in school...I'm talking about the kids school!)




There you have it.  A few things about me. :)

It's been 4 weeks!!!

Well, nothing exciting to report on the fact that it's been 4 weeks since surgery.  I have less pain on my right side - which is GREAT!  They had told me I could go back to work after 3 wks, but umm....NO.  I plan on going back next week for 2 days.  That would be the WEED WACKER job. lol  Poor Mr. Eye Candy has been  doing all the work by himself for the past month or more.

I've also been working these past few days on getting our house Decluttered.  I swear...those kids have more toys than they play with.  I've been slowly unburdening them. lol They don't even know it!  I take all my stuff to my awesome friend Louann. She has a consignment shop for kids in Ludington, MI. ABC Kidz.  Awesome store!!!  I took all my 'fat girl' clothes to my other awesome friend Natalie! She has a women's (yes some guy stuff too) consignment store in Ludington too! The Cedar Chest. Bonus! Kids and ME ha ha ha.  I can't wait to shop in both of them next month!!  Once kids are back in school, I'll be making my trip down there.

Anyway, we have our house for sale, and I want to do the whole "less is more" thing in here.  We got rid of our couch...yes we did. Our tiny house just didn't look right with a big old couch in it.  The dining room, kitchen, and living room are all one big open space here.  Cute for a 'cottage', but NOT too great for comfortable living.  So, I'm down sizing!  (and not just in my clothes!)  We are putting several things in our storage unit for now.  The dream is to buy a fantastic property about 5 miles away that has a barn, and other out buildings, AND 10 acres!!!  Wow...we could have our own pig to raise, AND a cow!  It's a struggle as we are trying so hard to sell this place but no bites yet. (ok ok ok, God, I know you have a plan).  Patience and me are not on good terms.

So there it is...nothing exciting.  I'm still eating soft foods... ate some shrimp yesterday! WOW that tasted good.  I also had some egg salad...yummy.  I tried some baked eggplant, but um...did not stay down.  I think it was the fact that I put black olives on it.  New tummy was NOT happy. That HURT.

Well, off to start the day! Tons to do today! Later Gator's!