So it's the weekend. I'm home with the munchkins for the next two days, as we rarely go anywhere on the weekends. Especially in the winter!  My back is screaming at me as usual, and I am wishing I could go sit with my best friend (the heating pad) glued to my back.  BUT, hubby is doing a sleep-in so I must let him have his precious sleep because he stays up past midnight playing Casino City.  Which totally amazes me as the man WORKS at a casino! ??? 

I'm also trying to down 20grams of protein in this vanilla shake sitting next to me.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get 80 grams of protein everyday? This is a challenge. This is going to be a new life long challenge. Plus, peanut butter does not count. Too much fat content people. It's a good thing we have the 'girls' (chickens) out back so I can eat my fill of eggs.  I need a day at the grocery store where I can just take my time and find new things to use for this protein intake regime.  I think they (doctors office and nutritionist) want us to start this new plan of eating so we make that final decision whether to DO the surgery and LIVE this way, or say forget it!   I find I am eating MORE now than ever before! Weird.  These shakes make you feel so full, but you still need to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and get in that second shake if your protein does not add up throughout the day. How the heck am I going to pack all this food and liquid into a tiny little pouch?  I'll be eating ALL day!  I've been told though, that if you don't keep your protein intake up to as close to 80 grams a day, you'll start losing your hair at about the 5th or 6th month into the post op.  Great.

So, this is the weekend I'm going to really attempt to DO the 80 grams a day and see how it goes.  I've also started some of my vitamins. A chewable multi and a chewable calcium that I got at our local Herb Store.  I think they taste like rubbery fruit, but hey.  You gotta do what ya gotta do.

I am also feeling the spring fever thing that everyone has been getting. You know, where you can't stand to look at one more pile of snow?  Where you just want to shovel the STUFF out of your house instead of the front walk? Yup...I got it.

The wait for a surgery date is still a big concern of mine. I have to go back for a second mammogram. Yippie. The psych eval, and two support group meetings are still yet to be done.  The blood work is over, just waiting for the results.  Wait wait wait. 

I wish I had more exciting things to report.  Just another cold wintery type day in michigan. Oh spring, where are you?

Today is going to be an interesting day for my husband and I.  We have to sit down with the principal at the school where our children go.

I am frustrated by the way they handle things.  There is a little girl in our daughters class that has RDD (reactive detatchment disorder). This is pretty serious actually. It is usually found in adopted children that come from other countries, although it's common enough here as well. This basically mean, the child was not held at birth, or through their first year or two. That when the child cried for food, attention, or love, or anything....they were left until someone could get to them. It's very sad. This causes the child to shut down emotionally and they lose FOREVER their capability to form a bond with another human being.  This sounds pretty drastic and it is.  These children need counseling for the rest of their lives basically.

Another thing that you don't find in the 'text book' descriptions online for this disorder, is that these children grow up without much of a conscience. They become master manipulators at a VERY young age, and they have no qualms in lying right to your face.  To them...any attention they get is good attention.  So, it is a very serious disorder that has to be handled with special gloves.  You CANNOT always treat them like other children in class, as they will lie to you, steal from you, try to manipulate you, and do whatever it takes to get what they want.  We have had several incidents with our daughter and this little girl. Some days they are BFF's, and others it's like a tornado went through the day and tossed our daughter out like a broken twig.  We try as parents to teach her that honesty is #1.  You must tell the truth, even if you think it might get you in trouble. Telling the truth is always the best answer.  If you live by this rule, you will have respect from others, and you can respect yourself.

Ok. So, this brings us to this mornings meeting.  I have finally had it with the way the staff deals with this other little girl and the episodes that are exploding between her and our daughter.  Last week our daughter HIT the other girl.  Now, E is not a violent child, but I can see that her frustration with the way things are being handled for her are finally escalating and she is lashing out.  I'm not saying our little E is an angel...she is too much like me for that to ever happen! HA I am saying, however, that she deserves to be heard. She is 7 yrs old and the staff refuses to listen to her pleas for help.  She is told on the playground to "stop tattling', she is told in the classroom to "go sit down" or "do you have proof?".  Really? I am disgusted. I think I am even MORE disgusted because this is a private school.  I went to a small private school, and I sure remember the days of growing up and being so frustrated when they would NOT let me defend myself or speak my side.  I will NOT let this happen to my daughter.  I loved the fact that my parents wanted me to go to a private christian school, but even then it was never perfect.  I want a private school education for my children as well.  I am just finding that it's a much harder road than I ever imagined - being a parent. God help me.

Another thought on this....how much do you want to bet? If I were 130 lbs, with tight jeans and form fitting shirt, that I'd get a hell of a lot more attention from the principal?  That he'd LISTEN to me? hmmmmm Just a thought here.  Most of what I get from him now at 220 lbs is a lot of double talk and looking down his nose at me like I'm an uneducated moron. For some reason, a lot of people look at larger (fat?) people as stupid and lazy.  Why is that? To you that know me, you know I'm a hard working mama!

My husband and I want to get across to them this morning, that what should or needs to be done is this:  In order to HELP the little girl that has this disorder, why not have her counselor come and talk to the staff and teachers? OR, why not write up something that can be read by staff and teachers so they have a better handle and understanding of what this little girl needs?  Good idea? We think so.  Everyone needs to be on the same page and right now they are not. 

God help me today, because I tend to lose my cool when I'm around stupid people. God grant me some serenity and positive words to come out of my mouth. Amen

Morning Dreams and Memories

Mornings are the best time for me.  It's quiet in my house, everyone is sleeping.  The only sound is the soft hum of the furnace as it chases the cold.  I sit here with my cup of steaming coffee enjoying the peacefulness and stillness around me.  It's really the only quiet time I'm allowed in my day.  I have always been an early riser, and at this point in my life I am happy that this is the case.  I love this special time I have with myself and God each morning before the world starts rushing in.

I think we all sort of try to grasp some peace at some point in our day. For me it's now.

I remember back before I had children, some of my best moments were again mornings!  I'd grab my coffee mug and head to the barn to feed and water the horses.  The soft nickers as I'd slide the barn door open, and turn on the lights, were music to my ears.  If you're a horse lover, you'll understand that the smells and sounds at the barn are like a symphony. The stomp of a hoof, the soft sigh, nicker, or neigh at the sight of me was so rewarding.  I miss this part of my life, and I know at some point I will return to it. I knew when I was 3 years old that I had to have a horse. I begged my parents for years and years until they finally caved in when I was 12.  Those years that followed were the best ever.  Even to this day I am a horse owner (although he's leased to a great lady for now).

Now that my children are growing older and more involved in school activities, I still have to set aside the horse mornings for awhile longer.  So I enjoy the mornings I have, with my steaming coffee mug in hand, in the quietness of my own home. Instead of the mornings I long for again. I do not regret the decision to have children.  They are my true joy in life.  But my 'other children', the four legged ones, still call to me in my heart and soul.  Now that I have a chance at a new life without carrying around this excess baggage, I feel the tug of those longed for mornings once again. I see a light at the end of my long dreary tunnel that has held me captive and enslaved me to pain.  I had given up hope.  But God has other ideas! Thank you, God.

My journey will once again bring me full circle to the mornings I once knew.  I sit here now with the quiet around me and the smell of coffee drifting through the air....and know with my whole heart, I will find a way back to the misty mornings I dream of where I can once again fill my lungs with the warm smell of horses and the earthy smell of hay.  I will step into the stall with my boy and lean my head against his warm soft neck and hear him munching his grain, and I will be home.

I will sit here for now and dream of the day I can be me again! A better me for my children and my husband, and a better me for myself.