A Stolen Entry

Ok, I read this earlier today, and it explained SO much of how I've felt my whole life.  Literally! MY.WHOLE.LIFE.  I could not have worded this better myself.  So, w/ sort of permission...because the person that stole it from HER friend..said I could use it.  I'd post the NAME of the Author if I could get that permission.  It's that good.  Enjoy. 
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When I was born, I was already sentenced. Sure, as a kid they said we can't lock her up yet, she is too cute and to young to help herself. We'll wait until she gets older. Maybe she will do enough rights to correct the wrong and won't have to be locked up. I knew for as long as I could remember that this cell was waiting for me. I did everything I could not to get put away. Not too far into my pre-teens I was finally caught, and put in the prison cell prearranged for me at birth. At first it wasn't as bad as I thought. No one really noticed because I was on work release. I could still hang out with friends and go places. It didn't interfere with my life too bad. I only had to sleep there. I noticed though, the older I got the shorter my time on the outside was. I just didn't know what to do. My cell is small; it has four walls, a cot, a sink, a toilet, and a window. It is quite lonely here. People go by my cell and gawk. Sometimes they whisper and think I don't know what they are saying. They think I deserve to be here. They judge me, even though they don't know why I am here. They think that I could correct this wrong easily. All it takes is restraint. People ask me, well, have you tried to escape?? Really tried? Yes, yes I have. The first time I tried, I escaped out the cell door. The guards just left it open, like they were tempting me. I walked out and got to the front door of the prison. I was so excited by the sight of sunshine and the smell of fresh air. This is what I had longed for, freedom. I put one foot out the door, and the guards caught me. They returned me to my cell, and locked the door. After the glimpse of sun, my cell was an even colder place. I was down, but I still had fight in me. I was determined. I realized the bars of the cell were old and worn. I was able to break free once again. This time I ran out into the sunshine. I felt the sunshine on my face and it felt so welcoming and cozy. I was excited to be out. I found friends who were more readily accepting of me. I was free. I was able to live and have fun. People looked at me different; not knowing the cell was where I was supposed to be. Alas, it lasted for a short time. They put an APB out on me, and found me. When they returned me to my cell, they had reinforced the bars and the door. There would be no escape there. During yard exercise, I got out once again. Not very long, shorter than my second getaway, but I was still free for a while. When I got caught, I figured I just couldn't do anything right. As a result of this capture, I was no longer allowed outside. I was and am a failure. I gave up. As I sat in my cell, feeling sorry for myself, I decided to give it one more shot. I noticed the window had only a small screw in it. I opened it, and fled. I eluded the guards for a long time. My life was good. I lived it to the fullest. I was so dead set against going back to prison that I became elusive. I didnt go near the things that could put me back in my cell, even if I needed something. I was a bit sick because there were things I needed, but the guards were all around. All I cared was that I was free. This was the longest, by far, that I had remained free. No one gawked or talked about me. I had a lot of friends who told me I did a great job and they knew I could do it. The longer I was out, the harder it got to avoid the guards. Before I knew it, they had me in their grasp again, and back into my cell I went. This time, the window had bars, and other reinforcement was put up. There was no way out. I am trapped. I am sentenced to a solitary life. I have no hope left. This is the way it is going to be. I lost some friends, others pulled for me. Most people in my life just didn't understand. They said I had it all. How could I give it up so easily? I must not have wanted it that bad. If only I would have tried harder to stay away from the guards. People around me who have never been locked up don't know how hard it is. They just don't understand. Sitting on my cot, looking around at my surroundings, I remembered a guard that helped me throughout the years. He had my best interest at heart, and knew I didn't want to be in jail, nor did I deserve it. He gave me hope, but I had been too ashamed to ask for help. I had been too scared to reach out. He told me there was a key outside the door. I could reach through the bars and retrieve it. Once I have this key, it will be with me always. I may get chased by a guard, but if I show them the key - they will leave me alone. Even if I were to get caught, I could let myself out when I wanted. But attaining this key does not come without risks. Over the years, I have asked people about the key and gotten mixed reviews. Some told me it was too dangerous, and I had too much to lose. Others told me it was the easy way out, and would not help me build character. They said if I wanted out I should do it on my own. I contemplated for a long time, weighing the benefits and the risks. Listening to people's opinions and trying to decide what interest they had in it. I have seen people take that key and live a life free and without worry. I have seen others who had difficulty, and yet others who paid the ultimate price. I have decided that the key is the way I am going. I have tried all the different routes of escape, and all have failed. I can not continue to live in this prison, this dark and lonely dungeon. I have decided to save myself. I am going to assume the risks of grabbing the key, and go for it. Sure, there are those who say this is the easy way out, but I say this is my only way out. My date of escape is September 2011. I will be free forever. Praise the Lord.

Two weeks tomorrow

Well, tomorrow will be two weeks after surgery.  I'm feeling good.  I get tired easier, and I run out of energy quicker.  Just going to the grocery store made me want to come home and take a nap!  I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining the 'after'.  I know it will get better and easier. 

For now, I am eating very little.  Baby food sometimes!  Those tiny little 2.5 ounce jars are perfect and actually make TWO meals for me.  And...yes...I feel hungry.  They tell you that you WON'T feel hunger. Lie.  I feel hungry.  I recognize when it's 'head hunger' (when you THINK you want something but you're not really hungry) and when it's real hunger.  The head hunger hits when you smell pizza or something cooking.  OH YEAH that is hard.   I can only eat the soft stuff right now until after my Dr. Appt. on the 10th.  So, baby food and cottage cheese are darn good right now!

I still look back and think of a dear friend, who has basically passed me over because of this surgery, and remember what she told me.  That I just needed a personal trainer.  Hmmmmm.  If you've ever been over weight, or fought to get some pounds off, you know that it's NOT easy. Not as easy as just joining  a gym and working if off.  I did join Curves...twice.  Did I lose weight? No.  Did I love working out? Yes.  Did I watch what I ate? Yes.  Did I eat healthy food? Yes. Did I lose weight? No.  Did I cut out sugar from my diet? Yes. Did I lose weight? Yes. 8 whole lbs.  I'm proof that diet and exercise are NOT the only answer.

I hate to say it, but skinny people will never 'get it'.  They have never struggled to the extent that large girls have. Never.  I'm sorry chickies...but you cannot tell me or any of my fellow Weight Loss Surgery peeps that a good 'work out' will do it. 

I've found that along this journey, I've lost a friend or two.  Maybe they'll come back? Maybe I don't want them back. Time will tell.  I know that right now I'm happy. VERY happy with the decision I made for  ME and my family.  The energy levels will increase, and I look forward to the next few months and next year when I can do more with my kids outside!!!  I look forward to riding my horse again!

For now though I am still dealing with some side pain. (this is typical) One day at a time. It keeps getting better.  I've already dropped 20 lbs. 

Day Nine. Stage 2 food and venting

Today is Day 9.  I have successfully arrived.  One day at a time is the only way to approach this journey!   The first week was basically pretty uncomfortable.  Lots of pain, meds, and of course that fun trip to the ER. (all because of nausea!).  I am still wearing my 'binder' that they gave me at the hospital. I swear by it!  It's basically like a back support brace, but just stretchy and 'holds' you.  I lovingly call it my GIRDLE. ha ha  It keeps things from getting bounced around and ultimately OUCHY.  And, it's great when the kids want a hug and come running. I don't fear it.

I've been trying to be a really good girl and walk at least a 1/2 mile every day.  Yup. Go me.  The only real fall back that I've been dealing with is the "house guests".  I cannot really go into detail here out of respect to them.  But, lets just say I am learning to not kill people in their sleep.  I've had to tape my trigger finger with duct tape to all my other fingers...just to be safe. (or is that just to keep them safe?)

I've really been having an issue with the smell of food.  Not BAD smells, but Oh MY GOODNESS, the smell of PIZZA just about undid me.  I thought I was going to pull out my hair and well...all I know is, the smell of GOOD food is so cruel!  It's like Pavlov's dog....I smell it...I want it!  I know it tastes good...but I can't HAVE IT. Oh the evilness.

You see, I was on the 'liquid' diet for the first day prior to surgery, and then the first Week after surgery. Wow. THAT is hard when you've got PEOPLE in your house that have to actually eat. hmmmmm  Probably why I shipped the kids off to sister for 8 days!  However, others in the house must EAT, and even though I CAN'T it does not seem to matter. 

Now I am on Week 2 and 3 stage II diet.  This means, I can eat creamy soups, pudding (sugar free), cottage cheese, instant mashed potatoes, applesauce (unsweetened), and any liquids except pop or caffeine.  OH and jello. Yippie.  I have two weeks on this.  Cooking for the kids (who are now home) is really not an issue for me as they are little innocence to me.  They don't understand, so they are off the hook on the responsibility end of things.  Their little tummies must be fed.  I get that. I love them.

However, 'others' in my house do not share this 'get out of jail free' card. So basically I am trapped in my own home. In my back bedroom.  Shutting the door when 'others' need to eat.  I cannot go out to my living room/kitchen area because I have NO idea when 'they' will eat.  That first night with the pizza was my undoing.  I knew I could not eat it, I knew it would kill me, I knew I was on that darn liquid diet, I also knew I wanted to kill all of them for eating it IN MY HOUSE...where I could Smell it.

I think there is only ONE more day of this torture.  Cherry season is almost over, and the 'family' will be packing up and taking off back to their respective home.  I'm trying so very hard to be good.  Those of you that know me best, know that two days of guests is about all I can handle.  I'm a very private person in my home, and rarely have people here.  I think there have really only been 3 friends who've actually come stay w/ me. LOL  I love you, but two days is my limit.  Hey, I'm honest!  This however, has been an almost 8 day stretch of 'guests'.  I'm fresh out of surgery, can't eat, kids to care for, and guests.  You can imagine my level of stress at this point.  And, if you can't imagine my level of stress, well...I won't go into detail as it may hurt someone.

So, ONE MORE day (I think).  I was up until 11pm last night venting to Mr. Eye Candy.  He's a saint by the way to listen to me go on and on and on.  His family really is a piece of work though.  THAT could be a book! wow.  I could seriously write a BOOK on the life and times of the Schaubs in Leelanau County. eek!  There are plenty of days I wish we'd used MY last name instead of HIS. Oh yeah...I kid you not.

Ok...so enough of my crabbing.  I am feeling well.  Sore.  At first it was like I'd been hit by a truck, but now it's just muscle sore and a few twinges when I try to bend over to pick something up. I can now drive my van (thank GOD), and walk walk walk.  No lifting though (no more than 10 lbs).   Wish me well on this final ...please...day of guests.  I am losing my schmidt. I want my house back.  I can't really relax in my own home.  Which means, I am not truly healing after surgery.  I need rest and relaxation.  Not stress.  I am looking forward to next week with GLEE.