The journey continues

Well, it's been a crazy time here in the Schaub house.  I've had some real struggles at my daughters school that have brought out the MAMA Bear in me. Suffice it to say, all things can look UP.  I have learned over the years when to pick my battles, and let me tell you ... this was one of those times.  I was not an evil person about it either, I just made my way up the ranks until I got to someone that would LISTEN to me.  And WOW did I get heard. Loud and Clear.  Because the Principal RESIGNED.  I have spoken to so many parents in the past week that are so so so happy about this! I was not the only one having trouble...I was just the only one willing to go to the top about it.  The total problem is not over yet, but it's a road to be traveled.

Anyway!  On top of that stress, Eric and I have been way behind in the lawncare business due to putting in a huge dock that took two days (and still not done) that set us way back on lawns.  I say...there is a reason for everything. I am reallly working on my positive attitude!  We are slowly getting some calls too for new clients! YEAH!!! Eric's dream is to be able to quit his job and just do lawn care full time.  (after my surgery of course! haha)

We have lived in our house for 5 yrs now, and have been harassed several times by one of the neighbors regarding the property line...an old shed (on his property) that is full of junk which he says we put there. (not true at all) TWICE the police have been out here. And the other day, I was driving home and asked God for a sign...what to do w/ our house.  That evening, the nasty neighbor showed up with the police ranting about the shed and the property line.  I said...THERE IS MY SIGN!!! yeah!! So, the next day, we put our house up for sale. Badabing Badaboom!  It's all going to work out.

So, this leads me up to the real post (meat of my post anyway).  I was sort of overwhelmed about the task at hand...you know, packing, sorting, getting rid of things....stuff...junk!!!! Because we all know if you sell a house...you MUST stage it!  So, I called my amazing friend (I'll call her Ann to protect the innocent lol) Ann.  Of course she is the master of all things organized.  The queen of de-clutter and the mother of them all when it comes to decision making ... keep it? throw it? burn it? You get my drift.  I knew I could call on her and ask if she could come up for a wkend and help me.  However, as our conversation progressed I could see she was dealing w/ enough stress in her own life, and it would be too selfish of me to request her to come, so I told her I loved her and would survive it on my own.  I think that was a relief to her although she would have come if I pressed it.  So our conversation continued about other things...and eventually came to my surgery date. (july 20).  I could actually feel the change in the air as she once again told me I should not do it.  She has told me before that she would love me no matter what my decision, but that she did not like the idea of me doing the surgery. This time, however, she was more vocal. She felt all I needed to do was get a personal trainer.  I was hurt and shocked by her negative reaction to something I am doing for me.  I've done my research and spoken to many RNY patients and friends who have actually gone through this surgery.  I know what I'm getting into.  I've also tried everything up to this point to try and lose the weight on my own. Unsuccessfully. Over and over.  The defeat.  My friend, Ann, proceeded to tell me of several people she knows that have gone through w/ it and wished they had not. That they gained all the weight back etc.  It felt like she was telling me I was going to fail. That she herself had no faith in my ability to use this tool to accomplish the goal it is meant for.   I feel I have been judged by the one friend I NEVER thought would judge me like a thin person would.  I have spent the past 20 hrs not sleeping, and stressing over our conversation.  I know she will never understand what my life as an obese person is like because she has never had to live it.  She is thin.  I think she's maybe been 30 lbs overweight at one time, but set her mind to losing it and has maintained that for years and years now....after 2 kids! Thin people think differently.  Stop and ask yourself this question...if you're thin or have never been obese:  When you see a fat person...do you think...oh disgusting! She needs to stop eating at McD's, and get a membership at a gym!     ???? Do you?  I know I have been guilty of that in my 20's.  That is...until it happened to me. What a change of thinking then!

I guess what I'm really getting at here, is that I knew there were going to be some friends that would not agree or support me 100% on my decision. I knew that.  However, I think Ann is the most shocking one for me...as we have been friends for so long.

To all of you that know me....and still love me the way I am....thank you.  I need to do this surgery for ME.  I need to feel like I have a chance at getting my life back.  I miss horseback riding so much!!! I want to feel comfortable again being in a group of people.  I see more and more the judgment passed down by thin people. It's very sad.  I think it's awful that our society wants us all to look like Barbie, and condemns anyone who doesn't.

My conclusion is that I will continue to love her...be her friend.  I feel there may be something lost, but who knows? Maybe it will just be a gap in time for us now, but a bridge to a better and more understanding friendship later?  Who knows.  I know this...I'm moving forward and getting closer everyday to my surgery date.  I know I've made the right decision.  I just hope those dear to me can accept that and be a support team for me.  A positive support team that cheers me on!

Thanks everyone! Everything is going to be ok. I know it in my heart and soul.

Surgery Date set

Well, the surgery date has been set.  JULY 20TH...not much to do until then.  Two weeks prior to the RNY surgery, I will have to do a protein diet, and stay away from carbs, sugars, etc.  Not a big deal to me.  I was really hoping it would be in June...but I'll take it.  Better late than never I guess.

Lately, I've had  a couple friends step forward and tell me NOT to do this surgery.  I want to say first of all, that I appreciate those friends and love them.  BUT...they will never know what it is to be Obese or the pain I live with on a daily basis....or the regrets I have when I can't get down on the floor to play a game with my kids.  I think most people who have never dealt with obesity, cannot fathom the emotional and physical damage it does to a person.  I wish I could just have a big group of supporters, but I understand that there has to be those few that feel they need to do their 'duty' and tell me all about the mistake I'm making and the risks I'm taking.  What they don't understand, is that by NOT having this surgery, I'm not only shortening my lifespan, but risking several more health related problems that could and probably will crop up on the next few years...causing me more pain and suffering.  Which means less time with my kids and my husband.

So, this surgery has been a decision I have not made lightly, or without education on my part.  I have done my research.  I know the price I am going to pay in several areas, but I personally think it's worth it to be healthy again and ACTIVE.  I miss LIFE so much!

Let me tell you what it was like to be thin...

I could wear pants without struggling to breathe.
I could go out to dinner with friends and actually enjoy myself.
I wanted to go places and be with my friends.
I loved to go shopping. I could always find something that fit. (and didn't look like a tent)
I had energy. Enough to work all day, and go ride my horse after work.
I slept all night. Without waking up.
I could work three jobs and still find time to hang out with friends.
I wasn't ashamed to go into public or be seen out and about w/ barn clothes on.
I didn't have to wear make-up to feel pretty.
I wasn't ashamed to meet up with old friends who I had not seen in years and years.
I laughed a lot.  Not because life was less stressful, but because I felt I could face it.

What it's like to be obese:

I am ashamed to go into public. I stay a hermit in my own home 80% of the time.
I go to visit a few old friends only to fight the panic that someone else from long ago might see me now.
I cannot ride my horse. At all.  It's too painful...for him and me. I have not gone on a trail ride in 2 years.
I have not ridden my horse in over a year...the last time was only walking around in the indoor arena.
I cannot ever find anything to fit when I go shopping that does not resemble a tent or ugly piece of clothing that is merely meant to hide something.
I rarely meet up with friends.
I cannot play with my children as much as I'd like w/o having to stop for breath or sit down because my back hurts.
I have no energy. I do not sleep.


There are so very many other things that I struggle with on a daily basis, but I'd rather focus on the reality that in less than 3 months I will have the opportunity to go through with a surgery that can help me get my life back.  I say HELP me.  I know it's a tool...not a magic pill.  I'm grateful that I have insurance that will cover this operation...and that I have the chance to take this step in getting my life back and living again.

I don't think I'll ever understand those friends that don't want to see me happy and living a fulfilled life, but then they will never understand my life as it is now either.  So, I will not judge them.  I will continue to love them and hope that in the future they can see how happy I am going to be...and full of hope and life again.

I know my body will never be the same (before kids...ha ha ha that is dreaming!)...BUT I do know I can at least dream and probably fulfill the dream of fitting into those jeans I've been saving that are a size 8. OH YEAH.  My goal is going to be realistic....I want to get to 150 lbs. That is a total loss of 76 lbs.  If I can get lower than that..well that will just be a bonus!

Most of all I just want to be healthy again. To get out of that morbidly obese range, and down to just healthy.

So, the journey is really going to begin.  July 20th.  The new me birthday.  Celebrate with me.  Be happy for me.  It's a choice I've made and I'm very excited.

I love you guys.

Update - WLS and life

Well, I know it's been awhile since I posted.  Seems like one thing after another has come up to stop me from writing.  My computer dying on me didn't help.  I am now, however, typing on my beautiful NEW one, so I now have no excuse.

Life has a way of throwing you curve balls once in awhile.  It feels like I've been hit with a few instead of dodging them though.

On a good note, I finally was able to get my chest x-ray yesterday, so that means I will be hearing from my surgeon's office soon to schedule a surgery date for my RNY gastric bypass.  I am thinking it may be as early as mid-June...or late June.  The sooner the better as I don't want to be off work for long!  I believe it will be at least 4 weeks that I cannot lift anything over 10 lbs, so that puts a wrench in our business for the summer.  I am Eric's helper in the lawn care, so not being able to DO my part is going to be a struggle for him.  We've placed an ad in our schools "SCOOP" paper and we are hoping we can get a teen age boy to help out this summer.  I have a babysitter lined up for Wednesdays, but still need to find someone for thursdays and fridays.

The rest of the curve balls include a very difficult decision that Eric and I are trying to make on whether to change schools for our children or not.  This is a heart wrenching decision, and many tears of  frustration and pain have been shed.  The story is a long one...but what I will tell you is this...it has brought up SO MANY old memories and anger I had no idea I still held regarding private schooling.  It seems to me, that after all these years that I've been out of school, (25...wow that is a long time) that nothing has changed in the private sector on how they do things in the "control" section.  It's STILL all about telling the kids what to do and never the reasons behind it. It's STILL about pacifying the parents into some sort of coddled submission where they are not ever really in the loop on discipline or what is truly going on.  It's STILL about trying to get everyone, students and parents, to fit into a nicely shaped Square Box and to follow a nice straightly drawn line...oh and Please refrain from asking any questions along this 12 year (or 13 if your child goes to preschool first) journey.  Questions just get you banned and tagged as a heretic.   Questions at meetings just make you look like the bad guy, and believe me when I tell you....they will make your life a living  hell as a parent if you ask too many questions.  So just be a nice parent and sit down and shut up.  Let us tell your children how to live, think, and feel.  After all, we (the school) are always right.

So, those old feelings of frustration and anger at never being able to stand up for myself or my friends have come rushing back like a whirlwind on fire!  Especially now that MY children are involved.

Most of you that know me, know I am not the 'stick your head in the sand and keep your mouth shut' kind of girl.  I've always spoke my mind, and I truly hope that over the years I've learned how to hold my tongue when necessary. I hope I've learned when to pick my battles too.  Lots of things have been let go over the past 3 years.  However, now it is time to make a change, and my poor sweet Eric is fighting that change with heart wrenching difficulty.  Oh how I love this man.  His tender heart is what drew me to him years ago.  We are a good fit.  Where I am head-strong, he sits back and thinks it through.  Although I must admit sometimes that thinking process can take so long it drives even me crazy.  I understand now that when it takes too long, he is just wishing the decision doesn't have to be made, and hoping it just disappears.   This time, it won't.   Our children depend on us to make the decision to move on from this school.  A years worth of talking, meetings, tears, and begging have gotten us nowhere.  I've beaten my head against a brick wall long enough.

I always try to do things these days with as much information in my belt as possible.  I research, talk to other people who have been through the same scenario and pray that I can use the brains and heart that God gave me to make a logical and educated decision.

That being said...here is to the friends I've made along the way this past year!!!  I'm grateful for you, and your advice.  Whether that advice was something I needed or not. ha ha  I hope this experience will make me a stronger person, and better mother and wife.  But most of all, I can honestly say, it has done one BIG thing for me.  It has made me realize that I am who I am.  I am GREAT! What you see is what you get.  I hide nothing and am open and honest with my feelings.  I have learned that it's OK to BE ME!  I'm strong, I'm tender, and I'm a raging lion (or mama bear) when times call for it.  Truth is my desire.  Honesty my sword. Integrity my bond.  I will no longer apologize for the person I am, have been, or will be.   I can finally say I am proud to be an outspoken woman! That I stand up for what I believe is right.  No matter what the cost.

Here's to life! Let's live it with honesty, openness, character, and integrity.  Be real.