A happy me

A happy me
family - is everything

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Stolen Entry

Ok, I read this earlier today, and it explained SO much of how I've felt my whole life.  Literally! MY.WHOLE.LIFE.  I could not have worded this better myself.  So, w/ sort of permission...because the person that stole it from HER friend..said I could use it.  I'd post the NAME of the Author if I could get that permission.  It's that good.  Enjoy. 

When I was born, I was already sentenced. Sure, as a kid they said we can't lock her up yet, she is too cute and to young to help herself. We'll wait until she gets older. Maybe she will do enough rights to correct the wrong and won't have to be locked up. I knew for as long as I could remember that this cell was waiting for me. I did everything I could not to get put away. Not too far into my pre-teens I was finally caught, and put in the prison cell prearranged for me at birth. At first it wasn't as bad as I thought. No one really noticed because I was on work release. I could still hang out with friends and go places. It didn't interfere with my life too bad. I only had to sleep there. I noticed though, the older I got the shorter my time on the outside was. I just didn't know what to do. My cell is small; it has four walls, a cot, a sink, a toilet, and a window. It is quite lonely here. People go by my cell and gawk. Sometimes they whisper and think I don't know what they are saying. They think I deserve to be here. They judge me, even though they don't know why I am here. They think that I could correct this wrong easily. All it takes is restraint. People ask me, well, have you tried to escape?? Really tried? Yes, yes I have. The first time I tried, I escaped out the cell door. The guards just left it open, like they were tempting me. I walked out and got to the front door of the prison. I was so excited by the sight of sunshine and the smell of fresh air. This is what I had longed for, freedom. I put one foot out the door, and the guards caught me. They returned me to my cell, and locked the door. After the glimpse of sun, my cell was an even colder place. I was down, but I still had fight in me. I was determined. I realized the bars of the cell were old and worn. I was able to break free once again. This time I ran out into the sunshine. I felt the sunshine on my face and it felt so welcoming and cozy. I was excited to be out. I found friends who were more readily accepting of me. I was free. I was able to live and have fun. People looked at me different; not knowing the cell was where I was supposed to be. Alas, it lasted for a short time. They put an APB out on me, and found me. When they returned me to my cell, they had reinforced the bars and the door. There would be no escape there. During yard exercise, I got out once again. Not very long, shorter than my second getaway, but I was still free for a while. When I got caught, I figured I just couldn't do anything right. As a result of this capture, I was no longer allowed outside. I was and am a failure. I gave up. As I sat in my cell, feeling sorry for myself, I decided to give it one more shot. I noticed the window had only a small screw in it. I opened it, and fled. I eluded the guards for a long time. My life was good. I lived it to the fullest. I was so dead set against going back to prison that I became elusive. I didnt go near the things that could put me back in my cell, even if I needed something. I was a bit sick because there were things I needed, but the guards were all around. All I cared was that I was free. This was the longest, by far, that I had remained free. No one gawked or talked about me. I had a lot of friends who told me I did a great job and they knew I could do it. The longer I was out, the harder it got to avoid the guards. Before I knew it, they had me in their grasp again, and back into my cell I went. This time, the window had bars, and other reinforcement was put up. There was no way out. I am trapped. I am sentenced to a solitary life. I have no hope left. This is the way it is going to be. I lost some friends, others pulled for me. Most people in my life just didn't understand. They said I had it all. How could I give it up so easily? I must not have wanted it that bad. If only I would have tried harder to stay away from the guards. People around me who have never been locked up don't know how hard it is. They just don't understand. Sitting on my cot, looking around at my surroundings, I remembered a guard that helped me throughout the years. He had my best interest at heart, and knew I didn't want to be in jail, nor did I deserve it. He gave me hope, but I had been too ashamed to ask for help. I had been too scared to reach out. He told me there was a key outside the door. I could reach through the bars and retrieve it. Once I have this key, it will be with me always. I may get chased by a guard, but if I show them the key - they will leave me alone. Even if I were to get caught, I could let myself out when I wanted. But attaining this key does not come without risks. Over the years, I have asked people about the key and gotten mixed reviews. Some told me it was too dangerous, and I had too much to lose. Others told me it was the easy way out, and would not help me build character. They said if I wanted out I should do it on my own. I contemplated for a long time, weighing the benefits and the risks. Listening to people's opinions and trying to decide what interest they had in it. I have seen people take that key and live a life free and without worry. I have seen others who had difficulty, and yet others who paid the ultimate price. I have decided that the key is the way I am going. I have tried all the different routes of escape, and all have failed. I can not continue to live in this prison, this dark and lonely dungeon. I have decided to save myself. I am going to assume the risks of grabbing the key, and go for it. Sure, there are those who say this is the easy way out, but I say this is my only way out. My date of escape is September 2011. I will be free forever. Praise the Lord.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Two weeks tomorrow

Well, tomorrow will be two weeks after surgery.  I'm feeling good.  I get tired easier, and I run out of energy quicker.  Just going to the grocery store made me want to come home and take a nap!  I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining the 'after'.  I know it will get better and easier. 

For now, I am eating very little.  Baby food sometimes!  Those tiny little 2.5 ounce jars are perfect and actually make TWO meals for me.  And...yes...I feel hungry.  They tell you that you WON'T feel hunger. Lie.  I feel hungry.  I recognize when it's 'head hunger' (when you THINK you want something but you're not really hungry) and when it's real hunger.  The head hunger hits when you smell pizza or something cooking.  OH YEAH that is hard.   I can only eat the soft stuff right now until after my Dr. Appt. on the 10th.  So, baby food and cottage cheese are darn good right now!

I still look back and think of a dear friend, who has basically passed me over because of this surgery, and remember what she told me.  That I just needed a personal trainer.  Hmmmmm.  If you've ever been over weight, or fought to get some pounds off, you know that it's NOT easy. Not as easy as just joining  a gym and working if off.  I did join Curves...twice.  Did I lose weight? No.  Did I love working out? Yes.  Did I watch what I ate? Yes.  Did I eat healthy food? Yes. Did I lose weight? No.  Did I cut out sugar from my diet? Yes. Did I lose weight? Yes. 8 whole lbs.  I'm proof that diet and exercise are NOT the only answer.

I hate to say it, but skinny people will never 'get it'.  They have never struggled to the extent that large girls have. Never.  I'm sorry chickies...but you cannot tell me or any of my fellow Weight Loss Surgery peeps that a good 'work out' will do it. 

I've found that along this journey, I've lost a friend or two.  Maybe they'll come back? Maybe I don't want them back. Time will tell.  I know that right now I'm happy. VERY happy with the decision I made for  ME and my family.  The energy levels will increase, and I look forward to the next few months and next year when I can do more with my kids outside!!!  I look forward to riding my horse again!

For now though I am still dealing with some side pain. (this is typical) One day at a time. It keeps getting better.  I've already dropped 20 lbs.