A happy me

A happy me
family - is everything

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Family is not always the Best.

Well, once again...12 years later, I'm STILL trying to figure out what it is that keeps my sister from sharing a Holiday w/ my family.  The kids, Mr. Eye Candy and I have never shared ONE holiday with my sister and her family.  I personally have not been to her house for a holiday EVER.  Since my mother died almost 12 yrs ago, it has never once been mentioned or arranged.  I've tried and tried to get her to talk to me about WHY we do not share holidays.  I mean...my children would LOVE to spend a Christmas at my sisters house, or have them come to ours.  Every time I have brought up the subject I get snubbed, unanswered, or just plain ignored.  A year ago it caused such a rift between us that I stopped speaking to her. 

You know how when someone does not answer your POINT BLANK question?  You're left to draw any conclusion that comes to mind.  Let me tell you, the reasons I've come up with in my own mind as to why we are never invited, or even associated with at the Holiday hour...are many and horrible.  I once again tried to reach out to my sister. I was open...and asked her point blank in an email (which by the way is the only way to reach her because she is so busy).  I told her the list of reasons my own mind created...and they were sad. Painful and sad.  And guess what?  Two days later and she has NOT responded to the email.  Guess what my mind is saying to me now?  Yup...I'm a loser.  I'm not good enough for them.  Neither are my children or my gorgeous man.

Oh I could go into this pretty deep.  Give you background.  I'm not going to though as it's pretty painful even now to even write this.  I've always been an open person, and maybe that is too much for my sister? I've always felt I must be an embarrassment to her.  Why else would she alienate me and my family during the Holidays EVERY year?  It must must must be ME.

And, now, at a time when I'm finally learning to like me again...here come the holidays.  Reminding me of the loneliness of it all.  Mom and Dad gone. Grandma and Grandpa gone. 

I will say this...I'm very grateful for where I came from.  I love the family back in my little town. (love you guys!!!)  I'm not ashamed of where I came from or WHO I am.   I'm lucky to have had the best parents in the world.  I try to be that same type of Mom to my kids although I know I fall short...but at least my heart is always full of love and I know I'm trying my best for them.

I want Holidays to be FAMILY.  We spend our Turkey Day and Christmas time with just each other.  Sometimes the roads in MI are rough and the idea of travel is not always welcome.  However, this is my SISTER we're talking about.  What gives? What have I done?  I get no answers from her, so am left to dream up the worst.  In this case my mind is very very very good at dreaming up reasons.  Evil, horrible reasons.

So here we go again...another year of creating our own traditions in our little home.  I'm OK with that, but just once I'd like to KNOW why why why.  Is that asking too much?  Even if it hurts me? You bet. I still want to know.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Another picture

Ok, so it's been awhile, and I'm lazy. HA  I do want to post a pic I had Mr. Eye Candy take a week ago.  My THREE MONTH mark.

In this picture, my little Mr. E is standing w/ me so you get the idea of just how much weight I've lost. Little Mr. E is 45 lbs.  I've lost 48 lbs. total since March of this year. (2011).  About 40 since surgery on July 20, 2011.

I still look at myself in the mirror and see a fat person...but a LESS fat person.  I am SO MUCH happier!  I cannot explain the way I feel other than it's like Christmas when you put on a pair of pants 3 sizes SMALLER and they FIT!  The pants in this picture were a size 20. OMG.  No wonder I hated going out in public!  Although, they were the coolest Fat jeans I'd ever owned. LOL

I bought a dress today in a size 12.  Almost cried right there in the dressing room.  Mr. Eye Candy is being honored for 5 yrs on the job (oh how we wish he didn't have to work there!).  I think he gets a coin or a kick in the pants or something. HA.  I thought I'd make him look good by dressing up for the dinner thing we have to go to.  I can be his trophy wife that night. LOL

The kids are loving their new school!  So alls well on that end! Thank God.  I still hear all the drama from the school we left, and it's same ole same ole.  Plus, I think I'm less Bitchy now that I no longer have to deal with the STUPID.  God forgive me...but I can't deal with the crazy people stuck in the dark ages.  I must admit to all of you, I DID go to my Psych. Guy (the one I went to for my Psyche eval prior to the surgery).....I was thinking I needed to start counseling because I had such ANGER issues with Stupid People.  Well...after a much needed (paid for) Vent with the PROFESSIONAL, he basically said I don't sound like a crazy person to him! ha ha ha  I think I may go in a few more times just to make sure he didn't make a snap judgment. ha ha   He said I just sound like I'm an "edgy, strong person".  Not a bitchy one. HA HA  Well...If I continue to see him, he may change his mind.   I did feel like I was sort of vindicated by what he said.  That I'm NORMAL.  He mentioned that it seemed to him that I sort of liked Who I Was.  Yes. Yes I do. ha ha  I do.  I like the EDGY person that has emerged out of the fog.  I feel sad, however, that my mouthy, edgy self has caused a rift between myself and my sister.  I think that I'm embarrassing to her.  This has been a heart breaking issue for me.  The only drawback to being me.

Ok...so there ya have it.

Bring on the next size!