Mornings are the best time for me. It's quiet in my house, everyone is sleeping. The only sound is the soft hum of the furnace as it chases the cold. I sit here with my cup of steaming coffee enjoying the peacefulness and stillness around me. It's really the only quiet time I'm allowed in my day. I have always been an early riser, and at this point in my life I am happy that this is the case. I love this special time I have with myself and God each morning before the world starts rushing in.
I think we all sort of try to grasp some peace at some point in our day. For me it's now.
I remember back before I had children, some of my best moments were again mornings! I'd grab my coffee mug and head to the barn to feed and water the horses. The soft nickers as I'd slide the barn door open, and turn on the lights, were music to my ears. If you're a horse lover, you'll understand that the smells and sounds at the barn are like a symphony. The stomp of a hoof, the soft sigh, nicker, or neigh at the sight of me was so rewarding. I miss this part of my life, and I know at some point I will return to it. I knew when I was 3 years old that I had to have a horse. I begged my parents for years and years until they finally caved in when I was 12. Those years that followed were the best ever. Even to this day I am a horse owner (although he's leased to a great lady for now).
Now that my children are growing older and more involved in school activities, I still have to set aside the horse mornings for awhile longer. So I enjoy the mornings I have, with my steaming coffee mug in hand, in the quietness of my own home. Instead of the mornings I long for again. I do not regret the decision to have children. They are my true joy in life. But my 'other children', the four legged ones, still call to me in my heart and soul. Now that I have a chance at a new life without carrying around this excess baggage, I feel the tug of those longed for mornings once again. I see a light at the end of my long dreary tunnel that has held me captive and enslaved me to pain. I had given up hope. But God has other ideas! Thank you, God.
My journey will once again bring me full circle to the mornings I once knew. I sit here now with the quiet around me and the smell of coffee drifting through the air....and know with my whole heart, I will find a way back to the misty mornings I dream of where I can once again fill my lungs with the warm smell of horses and the earthy smell of hay. I will step into the stall with my boy and lean my head against his warm soft neck and hear him munching his grain, and I will be home.
I will sit here for now and dream of the day I can be me again! A better me for my children and my husband, and a better me for myself.