A happy me

A happy me
family - is everything

Monday, August 22, 2011

What are hopes and dreams anyway

Well, once again...my hopes have come crashing down like an avalanche.  Killing any desire to keep moving forward or even dreaming of a life beyond where I am now.  I know it's all about picking yourself up and keeping the faith yada yada yada.  However, when you've busted your butt for so long and there is no blue sky in the future, it just seems stupid to keep trying.

I have to admit some very hard truths to myself.  I'm just not going to make it.  I've hitched my wagon to a falling star.  I've dreamed, and hoped, and tried to show my children that dreaming and believing are important.  Well, today...I changed my mind.  Today...I quit. 

There really is no more fight in me for this journey.  We've been trying to find some land (with a house and outbuildings) so we could raise chickens for meat and eggs.  We thought we'd finally found it! Perfect location, around 10 acres...all the buildings we wanted etc.  LOTS of room to grow...and maybe purchase other acreage next to it down the road.  Not going to happen.   After 2 hours in a 'financial' meeting, it just looks like the world is playing a small joke on us.  It's the same story every time we try to get ahead.  The numbers just aren't there.  Although this is a perfect market to buy in...good luck when your net worth is crap.  EVEN THOUGH you are under $10,000 in debt...and have NO other debt at all.   Does not matter that we've just spent the last two years busting our butts to get ahead in the Lawn Care Business...and doing it!  There are still no #'s that support it yet.  So...here goes those dreams.  On hold once again.  Who was I kidding? Myself? Probably.  Yeah...definitely.  I thought that hard work was going to be a cornerstone to our future.  Nope.

I'm done trying so hard.  I feel like my whole life I've worked for the 'other' guy.  Only to dig myself into that hole of misery.  Now, after working for ourselves, it's the same story.  Just a different year.

Yeah...today I feel like giving up. Please don't write things in response to this that "It will be OK" or "It will get better".  I just can't take it right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and forget today happened.  I want to go back to yesterday where I still had a hold on my dreams. 


  1. oh Lana life is so hard sometimes, HUGS!! You know there were years when we were trying to have a baby just one baby that I felt the same way you do now. My dreams were being broken one month at a time and I thought I would never see the day that I would hold a sweet angel in my arms, well guess what now i have 2, 2 wonderful sweet humans that love me over anything else. Life is hard and it sucks big time. Love you and hug hugs.

  2. thx marti....I'm just feeling really sorry for myself and let down. I'm tired. Emotionally spent. I can't imagine your pain in trying for babies...but God sure listened to you guys! Look at those little wonders! I want THIS - this new opportunity in life for OUR kids...not just Eric and I.

  3. let me tell you Lana, Joe and I are looking for almost exactly the same thing you are. We can get financed we just can't find the darn property (in a price range we are comfortable with). We have been looking for 1.5 years it is so darn frustrating!